This has really been an interesting year. And interesting is my choice of words based on the “curse“: may you live in interesting times.

I have ONE desire. Only one. My desire is for my next positive pregnancy test to result in a baby that is not only carried to full term, but actually born. A baby that we can love and protect, raise with love and cherish like only parents can.

So far I’ve had no less than THREE pregnancies this year. This year alone. I found out I was pregnant late December, miscarried in January. May we had another positive pregnancy test, but we were out of town and before we could get to a doctor to confirm with a blood test, the dreaded period started.

My last miscarriage just happened. I found out I conceived around my birthday (11th of July). The strangest of all is that this time I somehow knew I was pregnant. I knew before any home pregnancy test (hpt) confirmed with that so very welcome second line, I knew before we went for my blood test. Maybe it is experience – one would think by the third pregnancy I would know what is happening in my body.

The saddest for me is that I really didn’t expect this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. I obeyed my doctor’s advice to the letter. I did more than I was supposed to. I stayed in bed, hips raised. I taught myself to sleep on my left side. I ate healthy, took the correct vitamins, went for blood tests every second day. I turned my back completely on my business and trusted everyone else to pick up the slack. I didn’t want to hear anything, know anything – my entire focus was on doing my utmost to make sure this pregnancy went well. That meant no stress at all, no worrying, and just rest.

I don’t know what this feels like for other women, but I can tell you that three losses has come close to breaking my spirit. After each lost pregnancy, I would question myself more. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Am I simply not worthy enough to be a mother?

How do you deal with yet another loss? My way of dealing with it is writing about it. I put my thoughts into words, and I purge my soul of the sadness and the negative emotions. My hope is that my story will have a happy ending, and that my journey will help someone else deal with theirs.

I have to really work at not allowing the bitterness to take over. The begrudging congratulations as yet another pregnancy or birth is announced. Some women seem to fall pregnant when they sneeze, and don’t experience any complications at all. There are women who give birth who didn’t even know they were pregnant until the baby decided that it is time to come out. How can you now know that you are pregnant for an entire 9 months of carrying a child to term?

It doesn’t help that my doctor tells me it is a miracle that at my age I have no trouble getting pregnant. I am 39 – that is really not old in today’s terms. Women fall pregnant in their mid-forties, even later.

This is becoming an obsession, and I know that I must guard against that. There is simply no way I can deal with another lost pregnancy. This last one was bad enough – I am devastated. The pain and depression is so deep that I cannot describe it in words. I can just feel it. There is an empty void inside me, an abyss with me teetering on the edge, holding on for dear life.

What frustrates me most, is not knowing what is wrong. If I knew what was wrong, I could fix it. I have been subjected to test after test after test. My backs of my hands are blue, caused by the bruising of the amount of needles that has been stuck in the veins. It is almost impossible to find veins in my arms. All these tests come back with absolutely nothing wrong.

We are not going to give up. Here’s to the hope that the next positive pregnancy test results in a baby that we can keep.

There has been so much said and written about Mosselkana (as a resident aptly called the currently ongoing riots in Mossel Bay). I am an old Mossel Bay resident – I stayed in Mossel Bay for 12 years, and although I’ve moved to George, a neighbouring town, Mossel Bay will always stay close to my heart.

The current riots are all over the media. It is heartbreaking. For those of you who don’t know – the riots were sparked because the municipality disconnected illegal electricity cables and the users no longer had access to electricity. Their reaction? Burn down buildings, riot, strike and cause general chaos for four days so far.

What is even more heartbreaking is the municipality’s reaction. Firstly, the mayoress initially doesn’t address the issue, saying that an official statement would be issued on Friday (everything started on Sunday). Then the mayoress does address the crowds (read criminals/rioters), and instead of laying down the law, her reaction is to her reaction is to give back the ILLEGAL electricity. Not lay down the law, not come down on the law-breakers like a ton of bricks – no, not at all. She gives them what they demand.

Now, please – if I were to steal electricity, running a cable from an Eskom pole to my property and get caught out, I don’t think a mild slap on the wrist would be part of the consequences. Plus certainly not an indulgent “by all means, carry on”.

If I were caught out stealing said electricity, got caught out and cut off, if I THEN decided to go burn down our local municipality, library, school and get all my “tjommies” and start a riot, by no means at all would I receive a nod in my direction, telling me that all is well, and my “tantrum” means I can continue to pursue my illegal activities.

Not only is it clear that this unprecedented (especially in our area) riot has political undertones (today was an interim election in the ward), but it was also not started by the local residents. People were prevented from going to work, attacked and bullied into staying at home. Children couldn’t go to school. How is this progress?

How is that anybody think they can “demand” free electricity? And how has this become a racial issue? There is a shocking facebook page dedicated to this situation, and what I read there, causes my heart to break even more. Not only are there people justifying this, these people are turning the whole situation into another racial hotpot. Apparently only the black people are poor, so they should get cheaper electricity. How is this true? We run an organisation called Heavenly Haven, where we look after several impoverished white families, and these families certainly don’t get or demand free electricity.

How does burning down buildings remedy the situation? Schools, libraries – facilities that were requested and GIVEN, at no cost to the community. Who is going to explain to a local young bright kid: “Sorry, you can’t go to school, we burned it down, because we wanted FREE ELECTRICITY!” And who is going to pay for all this? The free electricity, replacing the burned out facilities?

We have to start learning that we are not entitled to free services. We all have to pay for what we want. We live in a country where we all started down a path towards becoming a united nation two decades ago – that means that we are all treated equally. If you want to be treated equally, then contribute to the economy equally. We cannot plead anymore that we didn’t have the opportunities. We all have all the opportunites we want.