This has really been an interesting year. And interesting is my choice of words based on the “curse“: may you live in interesting times.
I have ONE desire. Only one. My desire is for my next positive pregnancy test to result in a baby that is not only carried to full term, but actually born. A baby that we can love and protect, raise with love and cherish like only parents can.
So far I’ve had no less than THREE pregnancies this year. This year alone. I found out I was pregnant late December, miscarried in January. May we had another positive pregnancy test, but we were out of town and before we could get to a doctor to confirm with a blood test, the dreaded period started.
My last miscarriage just happened. I found out I conceived around my birthday (11th of July). The strangest of all is that this time I somehow knew I was pregnant. I knew before any home pregnancy test (hpt) confirmed with that so very welcome second line, I knew before we went for my blood test. Maybe it is experience – one would think by the third pregnancy I would know what is happening in my body.
The saddest for me is that I really didn’t expect this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. I obeyed my doctor’s advice to the letter. I did more than I was supposed to. I stayed in bed, hips raised. I taught myself to sleep on my left side. I ate healthy, took the correct vitamins, went for blood tests every second day. I turned my back completely on my business and trusted everyone else to pick up the slack. I didn’t want to hear anything, know anything – my entire focus was on doing my utmost to make sure this pregnancy went well. That meant no stress at all, no worrying, and just rest.
I don’t know what this feels like for other women, but I can tell you that three losses has come close to breaking my spirit. After each lost pregnancy, I would question myself more. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Am I simply not worthy enough to be a mother?
How do you deal with yet another loss? My way of dealing with it is writing about it. I put my thoughts into words, and I purge my soul of the sadness and the negative emotions. My hope is that my story will have a happy ending, and that my journey will help someone else deal with theirs.
I have to really work at not allowing the bitterness to take over. The begrudging congratulations as yet another pregnancy or birth is announced. Some women seem to fall pregnant when they sneeze, and don’t experience any complications at all. There are women who give birth who didn’t even know they were pregnant until the baby decided that it is time to come out. How can you now know that you are pregnant for an entire 9 months of carrying a child to term?
It doesn’t help that my doctor tells me it is a miracle that at my age I have no trouble getting pregnant. I am 39 – that is really not old in today’s terms. Women fall pregnant in their mid-forties, even later.
This is becoming an obsession, and I know that I must guard against that. There is simply no way I can deal with another lost pregnancy. This last one was bad enough – I am devastated. The pain and depression is so deep that I cannot describe it in words. I can just feel it. There is an empty void inside me, an abyss with me teetering on the edge, holding on for dear life.
What frustrates me most, is not knowing what is wrong. If I knew what was wrong, I could fix it. I have been subjected to test after test after test. My backs of my hands are blue, caused by the bruising of the amount of needles that has been stuck in the veins. It is almost impossible to find veins in my arms. All these tests come back with absolutely nothing wrong.
We are not going to give up. Here’s to the hope that the next positive pregnancy test results in a baby that we can keep.
faikonta 
Jolindy,
My deepest condolences to the loss of another sweet angel. I can never truly empathise with how deep your pain runs. As a woman yearning for my own little bean to stick, I know the desire. I believe in the power of positive attraction, but it can be so hard and nearly impossible to retain hope when every cycle starts with the joy of a positive OPK and ends with the devastating realisation of more false symptoms that tricked me to believe that this could be the month. In my attempts to console myself and in a way materialise my dream, I have collected boxes upon boxes filled with baby accessories, diapers and virtually everything a baby could possibly need and some. I know it must sound silly and even a bit strange, but it helps. I confidently browse baby stores pretending to emanate that famous maternal glow. After all, they deal with pregnant woman every day. Maybe they see something I don’t know yet? Throughout my quest surfing the online oracle to find the ultimate antidote to my woes, I have accumulated quite an arsenal of empowering info (I have no doubt that you’ve been there done that, but maybe just maybe…..). So here goes:
Firstly, I have a “perfect” 28 day cycle with a 14/15 day Lutheal Phase and ovulate every month. We have been TTC for approximately 2 Years. Financially, we can’t afford expensive test and procedures etc. A home sperm count test showed that he had a slightly low count. I have implemented the following:
1) We are both on our second cycle of Staminogro (He drinks 4x an hour or so before bedtime. I only drink 1x). Optimal results after 3 months. There is already an improvement.
2) I drink Alkaline powder every night (1 teaspoon in ozonated water). This neutralizes any acidity in my body.
3) In the morning we both have additional Vit C supplementation. Clicks brand has the right dose to split in half. Not too much (half a tablet each) – On second cycle
4) I have 1x Omegavite in the mornings (on second cycle)
5) I take 3 drops of Crystal Alchemy: Pregnancy, Childbirth &New Beginnings – find it on bid or buy or their website (If you’re into crystal healing). It also helps you to connect with your feminine/maternal energy. (on my second cycle)
6) Right after ovulation (1-2 DPO), I start applying natural progesterone cream twice a day until AF starts (half a teaspoon dose split in two. Applications no more than 12 hours apart). Do not use progesterone cream during AF and only start 1-2 DPO. Natural Pro cream makes the bean stick & helps you sustain a natural pregnancy full term. Some woman continue using it throughout their pregnancy (you don’t need an irregular cycle or Lutheal Phase defect to get it’s benefits). Continue use if AF does not show up.
7) I also drink 1x Cassanovum tablet @ lunchtime. Same time every day. Right after ovulation up until AF starts. Not during AF or until 1-2DPO. Same as the natural progesterone cream (I purchase it from their international wedsite). Get at least two or three bottles. 1 Bottle should last you 2 cycles, depending on your cycle length etc. It encourages hyperovulation (to up your chances for multiples) and helps with estrogen dominance. If AF doesn’t show up. Open the capsule and wean yourself off of the tablets over a 7 day period.
8) I have recently started the “Sperm meets egg plan” (completed 1x cycle). You can find a free edition online. It can be exhausting but makes perfect sense. Our bodies are very unique and you could either “truly” ovulate before or after O indication. I realize you don’t have a problem falling pregnant, but it could help you catch a correctly matured follicle at just the right time, thus assisting your chances to sustain.
9) Use Clear Blue digital OPK tests. They are the best and are super accurate.
10) Drink Evening Primrose tablets (I drink 2x Clicks brand in the morning) ONLY just after AF and just before O (basically only during the Sperm meets egg plan). Discontinue use for the rest of your cycle.
11) No hot baths for you or hubby at all. He must wear boxers. And both of you should each drink 1 litre of Ozonated water every day (especially during the fertile period described in “Sperm meets egg plan”).
12) Avoid cinnamon, spicy food, sushi, and coconut oil. I personally love coconut oil
13) Wear cleaning gloves at all times when working with any cleaning chemicals or even natural cleaning aids.
14) Do not sleep with your cell phone next to your bed & do not put laptops or tablets close to your abdomen.
15) Do use sperm friendly lubrication i.e. Pre-Seed or Conceive Plus @ Dischem)
16) Buy Softcups. Insert after BD and keep in for at least a couple of hours. (check out: bouncingbean.co.za or getpregnant.co.za)
17) A bit of TMI: while getting busy, use the knees to ears position. Some women swear by it. After BD, do not get up for anything and keep your legs up for at least 30 min.
18) Laugh – Watch tons of comedy shows. It’s good for you.
19) Get a massage. Treat yourself.
20) Buy baby stuff. Play with babies. Feel the baby vibe. And read this as often as you like:
“For a long time there were only your footprints & laughter in our dreams but even from such small things we knew we could not wait to love you forever”.
Baby Dust to you.
Nina
I so appreciate you writing all this, Nina, and no doubt will read all of it lots of times still. All advice is more than welcome. Our little bean, once here, will be most loved! My plan, however crazy it sounds, is to start getting the nursery ready. After all, little bean is definitely coming, we just don’t know for sure when. There are one or two things you’ve mentioned that I’d like to check with you via email, if I may?
Baby dust to you as well xx
Hi Jolindy,
Glad you like my comment. Not sure if you received my email details: ninababydust1@gmail.com
Hi there Jolindy,
Glad you like my comment. You are more than welcome to email me @ ninababydust1@gmail.com. Would love to hear from you!
Nina