Day 8 LockDown

3 April 2020

1462 cases
Recovered: 31
Deceased: 5

When lockdown started, we were already as a family semi-locked down. The schools closed a couple of days before, and I stayed away from public spaces and with the twins as much as possible. It seems like so far ago, and I remember getting my mindset all optimistic and positive about all the unfinished projects that we can finally complete. New hobbies to tackle, maybe learn a new language. An opportunity for mental self-enrichment and positive change.

Although we’ve done some of these, for instance I’ve become pretty proficient at crocheting circle boleros, and have made two child-sized ones already since lockdown, we’ve done some craft activities, we finally got rid of a massive and very ugly cement fountain in the middle of the staircase (next to it, like an atrium), I’m getting pretty creative in the kitchen as well, surpassing even my own expectations, it still feels as if we’re treading water. Or treading molasses. With no land in sight. Today again there was mention of maybe extending lockdown.

This morning, as I tried to figure out how to use a never before used and several years old Kenwood Mickey Mouse Slush Puppy maker (I have no idea why we own it, why we bought it, and can for the life of me not remember wanting something so frivolous in my kitchen), I was feeling an overwhelming wave of hopelessness. It is a stupid little machine, and really does not seem all that hard to figure out, but it hit me right between the eyes that there is nobody I could quickly call and ask to come over to show me. I looked online, and there was for once not one helpful video on YouTube. Eventually I figured out how to take the lid off, I chucked some ice cubes into the cavity, added some red food colouring, pressed a button, and added a couple of spoons of Oros to the shavings that came out to vaguely resemble the twins’ favourite order at John Dory’s. Needless to say, they loved it. I feel as if I survived a boxing match. Never promise children anything if you are not 100% sure you can deliver – a lesson I keep on learning.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I write these blogs in the morning (sort of an eat that frog thing), which means I look back on a day before mostly. My mother, with whom I only recently reconciled, was admitted to hospital for a biopsy from her left breast. And with all the backlog on Covid-19 tests, apparently she’ll only have her results in two to three weeks. My mother was supposed to come and visit us now, during Easter, and obviously the lockdown put a stop to that. She had a stroke a couple of weeks ago, and my brother called me in an absolute state. It took me a while to just calm him down and explain that a stroke can be managed. The urgent biopsy on top of that was just a bit much for him. He is very close to my mother, always has been. I am the older of the two of us. My mother had undiagnosed postnatal depression when I was born, and it was tough being raised by her. There was a lot of abuse and rejection, and I was semi-removed from her care and put in the school hostel during the week at the age of 10, and eventually completely removed and taken to a different town altogether when I turned 15. Social Services was involved for most of my life as a child, either to feed us, give us clothes, provide counselling or take care of me until the day I turned 18. My mother seems not to remember much of those years, and I have moved on. Life is short, and we can either let our past overwhelm us, or we can learn from it.

Last night I had an overwhelming urge to watch a couple of natural disaster movies. We ended up watching The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012. Suddenly the premise of these movies seemed very real to me. I never before this virus thought that a government official would actually in real life say something like: This would never happen to us. This is happening, very much, to all of us. And as a South African, I am proud of the decisive action our President is taking. I have no idea where this action is taking us as a nation, and what it will mean for our business and many other small businesses, but action is better than a head in the sand approach.

Today I am grateful that I am surrounded by so much love. I have made peace with who I am, who I was and my life choices. If given a choice, there is nothing I would do differently in the almost 45 years on this planet – all the actions, all the choices, everything, has made me who I am and brought me to this day. Life has been an interesting ride so far, and if all is not ok, it is definitely not the end yet.