This has really been an interesting year. And interesting is my choice of words based on the “curse“: may you live in interesting times.

I have ONE desire. Only one. My desire is for my next positive pregnancy test to result in a baby that is not only carried to full term, but actually born. A baby that we can love and protect, raise with love and cherish like only parents can.

So far I’ve had no less than THREE pregnancies this year. This year alone. I found out I was pregnant late December, miscarried in January. May we had another positive pregnancy test, but we were out of town and before we could get to a doctor to confirm with a blood test, the dreaded period started.

My last miscarriage just happened. I found out I conceived around my birthday (11th of July). The strangest of all is that this time I somehow knew I was pregnant. I knew before any home pregnancy test (hpt) confirmed with that so very welcome second line, I knew before we went for my blood test. Maybe it is experience – one would think by the third pregnancy I would know what is happening in my body.

The saddest for me is that I really didn’t expect this pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. I obeyed my doctor’s advice to the letter. I did more than I was supposed to. I stayed in bed, hips raised. I taught myself to sleep on my left side. I ate healthy, took the correct vitamins, went for blood tests every second day. I turned my back completely on my business and trusted everyone else to pick up the slack. I didn’t want to hear anything, know anything – my entire focus was on doing my utmost to make sure this pregnancy went well. That meant no stress at all, no worrying, and just rest.

I don’t know what this feels like for other women, but I can tell you that three losses has come close to breaking my spirit. After each lost pregnancy, I would question myself more. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? Am I simply not worthy enough to be a mother?

How do you deal with yet another loss? My way of dealing with it is writing about it. I put my thoughts into words, and I purge my soul of the sadness and the negative emotions. My hope is that my story will have a happy ending, and that my journey will help someone else deal with theirs.

I have to really work at not allowing the bitterness to take over. The begrudging congratulations as yet another pregnancy or birth is announced. Some women seem to fall pregnant when they sneeze, and don’t experience any complications at all. There are women who give birth who didn’t even know they were pregnant until the baby decided that it is time to come out. How can you now know that you are pregnant for an entire 9 months of carrying a child to term?

It doesn’t help that my doctor tells me it is a miracle that at my age I have no trouble getting pregnant. I am 39 – that is really not old in today’s terms. Women fall pregnant in their mid-forties, even later.

This is becoming an obsession, and I know that I must guard against that. There is simply no way I can deal with another lost pregnancy. This last one was bad enough – I am devastated. The pain and depression is so deep that I cannot describe it in words. I can just feel it. There is an empty void inside me, an abyss with me teetering on the edge, holding on for dear life.

What frustrates me most, is not knowing what is wrong. If I knew what was wrong, I could fix it. I have been subjected to test after test after test. My backs of my hands are blue, caused by the bruising of the amount of needles that has been stuck in the veins. It is almost impossible to find veins in my arms. All these tests come back with absolutely nothing wrong.

We are not going to give up. Here’s to the hope that the next positive pregnancy test results in a baby that we can keep.

There has been so much said and written about Mosselkana (as a resident aptly called the currently ongoing riots in Mossel Bay). I am an old Mossel Bay resident – I stayed in Mossel Bay for 12 years, and although I’ve moved to George, a neighbouring town, Mossel Bay will always stay close to my heart.

The current riots are all over the media. It is heartbreaking. For those of you who don’t know – the riots were sparked because the municipality disconnected illegal electricity cables and the users no longer had access to electricity. Their reaction? Burn down buildings, riot, strike and cause general chaos for four days so far.

What is even more heartbreaking is the municipality’s reaction. Firstly, the mayoress initially doesn’t address the issue, saying that an official statement would be issued on Friday (everything started on Sunday). Then the mayoress does address the crowds (read criminals/rioters), and instead of laying down the law, her reaction is to her reaction is to give back the ILLEGAL electricity. Not lay down the law, not come down on the law-breakers like a ton of bricks – no, not at all. She gives them what they demand.

Now, please – if I were to steal electricity, running a cable from an Eskom pole to my property and get caught out, I don’t think a mild slap on the wrist would be part of the consequences. Plus certainly not an indulgent “by all means, carry on”.

If I were caught out stealing said electricity, got caught out and cut off, if I THEN decided to go burn down our local municipality, library, school and get all my “tjommies” and start a riot, by no means at all would I receive a nod in my direction, telling me that all is well, and my “tantrum” means I can continue to pursue my illegal activities.

Not only is it clear that this unprecedented (especially in our area) riot has political undertones (today was an interim election in the ward), but it was also not started by the local residents. People were prevented from going to work, attacked and bullied into staying at home. Children couldn’t go to school. How is this progress?

How is that anybody think they can “demand” free electricity? And how has this become a racial issue? There is a shocking facebook page dedicated to this situation, and what I read there, causes my heart to break even more. Not only are there people justifying this, these people are turning the whole situation into another racial hotpot. Apparently only the black people are poor, so they should get cheaper electricity. How is this true? We run an organisation called Heavenly Haven, where we look after several impoverished white families, and these families certainly don’t get or demand free electricity.

How does burning down buildings remedy the situation? Schools, libraries – facilities that were requested and GIVEN, at no cost to the community. Who is going to explain to a local young bright kid: “Sorry, you can’t go to school, we burned it down, because we wanted FREE ELECTRICITY!” And who is going to pay for all this? The free electricity, replacing the burned out facilities?

We have to start learning that we are not entitled to free services. We all have to pay for what we want. We live in a country where we all started down a path towards becoming a united nation two decades ago – that means that we are all treated equally. If you want to be treated equally, then contribute to the economy equally. We cannot plead anymore that we didn’t have the opportunities. We all have all the opportunites we want.

Earlier today I was shopping in Woolworths with a good friend of mine, minding our own business. Out of the blue, a strange woman approached me, asking if my weight bothered me. Incredulous, I could at first only stare at her, then told her in no uncertain terms that no, my weight certainly does not bother me. I may not be a model size 6, but I am a comfortable size 18. I am not obese, but I am fairly healthy, voluptuous and a gorgeous goddess.

Obviously my answer startled her. Maybe she was expecting a blubbering confession, a teary breakdown, and a desperate begging for whatever miracle cure she was flogging that would instantly shrink me down to an “acceptable” size. She was taken aback, and then garbled something about her husband also preferring a meatier woman. Now, believe me, this woman was no Twiggy either. In fact, she may even have been larger than me. And yes, it turned out she was trying to sell something. No idea what the product was – she mumbled something about nuts and got away from crazy me. Not sure if she called me nuts or she was selling nuts.

My questions to her were the following: Why is it important to you that your husband likes a meatier woman? Shouldn’t you be happy yourself with the size that you are? Who determines what size or weight we are supposed to be? And why should we accept it? Quite frankly, she couldn’t answer me.

I admire the actress, Jennifer Lawrence. She says the following: “In Hollywood, I am obese. I’m considered a fat actress. I eat like a caveman. I’ll be the only actress that doesn’t have anorexia rumours! I’m never going to starve myself for a part. I’m invincible. I don’t want little girls to be like, “Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner!”

You go, girl. I agree with every word. This is a breath of fresh air from a plastic society where photoshop rules, and fake is at the order of the day. May you always think like this, and may more young women change their mindsets about their bodies.

Seriously people, what are we telling ourselves when all we do is complain about how we look? Life is short, and it may end at any moment, for any reason. I am not saying let’s not strive to be fit and healthy. I am saying – hey, each to his own. If you get your rocks off getting up at 5am to go jog/cycle/gym – kudos to you. I am more of the school of thinking that if you see me running, you’d better run too, because it means something bad-ass is chasing me.

Yes, I too have Herbalife in my home. Not to lose weight – but because it is a nutritional meal replacement and I lead a really busy life. It is far less effort to have a quick shake to start my day than go through the effort of preparing a healthy breakfast. I eat healthy foods and unhealthy foods – my lifestyle is hectic, and filled to the brim with functions, and I don’t have time to juggle raw carrots against the more delicious pizza.

I can quite honestly say that I really really like myself. It has taken a while. I also went through the self-hate and self-judgemental phases where I’d glare at every bit of fat, hoping to melt it away with my Supergirl X-ray vision. Now I can say that I have learnt that life is about what I enjoy and about what makes me happy.

Each of us is gorgeous just the way we are. Let’s work more on accepting each other than wasting our lives spending time judging each other and ourselves.

Yes, it is July, and another birthday has come and gone. I kept a fairly low profile on this particular birthday. There is just something… old… about turning 39. Something not quite right.

This birthday really got the memories going. Actually, I think I get rather contemplative on all my birthdays, but lately, more so. It was just the other day that I was a curly-haired, bright-eyed goddess, with the earth at my feet, and my hands reaching towards the stars.

I know 39 is not old. Really. Intellectually, I know this. But it really feels as if I have reached my sell-by-date. There is something odd about a 39-year old going barefoot to the local market, wearing my comfy weekend rags. When we went out for my birthday cocktails, we were the oldest people by far in the pub. OK, I’ll admit it – I was the oldest person by far. My husband is a great deal younger than me.

There is almost a post-35 turning point. Now you are all grown up. The grey hairs no longer come one by one, but in patches. The wrinkles don’t just appear when you laugh, but they sort of sit there permanently.

And yes, quite frankly, I don’t want to be labelled as “old”. I am fun-loving and excited about things. I have a world still left to explore. I want to become a mom, I want to still write that book, I want to let my hair down and dance barefoot in the waves.

So I have something to say to society that has “expectations” of women my age. Bury those expectations. I will be as young as I think I am. And if I look ridiculous to you, you are welcome to be old before your time.

Earlier today I found this absolutely awesome article, and it is definitely share-worthy. We have a tendency to forget how important it is to do stuff for ourselves. We lose touch with what is really essential, and this article is a lovely reminder of how to shift our focus to ourselves. And this is most definitely not a selfish way of thinking – we can only give from ourselves to other people if we have anything to give.

#1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

#2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

#5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

#6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

#7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

#8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

#9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

#10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

#11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

#12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

#13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

#14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

#15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

#19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

#20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

#22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

#23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

#24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

#25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

#26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

#27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

#28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

#29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.

#30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Credit: marcandangel.com