Tag Archives: marriage

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7 Ways to stop arguing with your other half

Successful relationships require a lot of work. As I’m writing this, I’m certainly not in the middle of a perfect relationship myself. The advice in this article is as much for me as for anyone willing to read it. I’d love some feedback from you – please feel free to comment or to add some of your own advice. This is by no means a comprehensive solution to a smooth relationship.

1. LISTEN

The most important action in any relationship is to listen. When your partner speaks, you need to really hear what he/she is saying and try to see the situation through his/her eyes. Put yourself on pause in order to really do this well. Focus on the moment and take in as much information as you can. Listen and ask questions until you feel you can see what your partner means.

2. TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY THEY WANT TO BE TREATED

The old adage of “do unto others as you would have done unto you” is really not applicable in relationships. Which means it really is not applicable at all, because we’re always in some kind of relationship with someone. Point is, we are all different and we cannot treat people the way we want to be treated. We have to care enough to learn more about the people around us and treat them the way they want to be treated.

3. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

It may sound trite, but patience in relationships is very important. We are all human and we make mistakes. No matter how bright you are, or how spiritual you are, we all have bad days – there is nothing wrong with this. Part of working towards a successful relationship is allowing your partner to make mistakes, and being willing to work with them on their personal growth. A relationship is a journey between two people that has no real end and is pretty much always a work in progress.

4. BE REAL

Sometimes we find that it is very common to act different with friends and loved ones than you do alone or in public. However, part of being true to ourselves is to do our best to make these versions of ourselves as consistent as possible. Just be the real you as much as possible. Find common ground with your partner that is mutually interesting. Pretending to listen and be interested is definitely not being true to yourself, and very much harmful to your relationship. Just be honest.

5. ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG

This is a difficult one. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you are wrong. Tell your partner when you recognise that you said or did something hurtful.
“I see that when I said that, it could have caused pain in you.  I am very sorry for doing that.  I am working on how I word things and making sure that I am respectful of you and your feelings.”

6. GRATITUDE

Frequently thank your partner when you see them doing things for you. A little gratitude will go a long way, and of course encourage your partner to invest more in the relationship – because it is clear that you appreciate him/her and what he/she does for you. Everybody loves being appreciated.

7. OBSERVE

Just observe your partner – sometimes it is easier to see how your partner is feeling, rather than asking them. Sometimes people are not able to communicate their feelings, and this may lead to misunderstandings and unhappiness. Don’t just ignore a potentially negative situation and hope that it will go away. Sometimes it is easier to pretend that we don’t notice our partner is unhappy because we’re not feeling good ourselves, or we are busy or just plain lazy. Rather jump in and help your partner instead of asking if they need help.

Always remember, and I’m sure I’ve said this already – your ultimate goal is to be happy with your partner. To make your partner happy and to be happy. Conflict can always be resolved – it is not necessary to be stubborn, or always “win” an argument. Holding out for a win may actually mean that you’ve lost. A little bit of humble and a whole lot of love and acceptance goes a long way. I dedicate this article to my husband, Zac Dreyer.

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How committed are you to your goals?

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
— J. K. Rowling in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Today was our wedding anniversary. And, as with every date that celebrates a moment in time, or marks an occasion, it is a time for contemplation. At least for me.

I wondered at the fact that we reached this date against all odds. Obviously on the decision scale, staying together weighed more than splitting up. As with all change, there is a lot of stress involved when two people decide to live together. Two often very diverse lives are merged, sometimes with different values and definitely with different viewpoints and ways of doing things. Yet, because of love, we make it work. And it seems to be working fine, so far. We are both committed to making this marriage work, and that counts for a lot.

Marriage or even relationships in general, is not the only aspect of our lives that requires a level of commitment. Our choice of employment, our choice of residence, our health, our studies – the list is endless. The chance of success in all these areas seems unattainable – unless we are committed. And right there – there is the keyword: commitment.

The word commit comes from the Latin word committere, which means to connect, entrust. When we stand behind our words, we demonstrate commitment. Commitment exists when our actions meet the expectation of our words – when there’s a congruency between intent, words and action.

This commitment to one’s goals is most definitely the most important rule for success. Without it, we fall prey to procrastination, bad habits, laziness, rationalisation and a host of goal-defeating problems. Commitment is a strong word – much stronger than “agreement.” If I agree to meet you for dinner, I have three options: keeping my agreement, cancelling, or changing it. If I commit myself to meeting you, I will meet you no matter what.

Why is commitment to our goals so difficult? We have even labelled this difficulty: commitment-phobia. It is an easy term to bandy about, especially when it comes to relationships. Fear of commitment in much popular literature refers to avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage but the problem is often much more pervasive, affecting school, work, and home life as well.

Commitment

Commitment fear/phobia is not only about balking at the idea of being in a steady, exclusive relationship. It is about not buying that house because of “what if”, or not embarking on a career or even a study direction. It is about not making good health choices, or not sticking to them.

When you are committed to your goals, attaining them is easier. Your choices are clearer. If your goal is to be the top salesperson in the company where you work, your actions will be congruent with this goal. You will make more calls, more appointments, and close more deals. You will put in more hours, because achieving this goal will mean more success and yes, more income, for you. Making those extra calls won’t be easy, but if your goal is clear, you will do it. If your goal is to shed extra weight, the choice between grated carrot and a chocolate cake won’t be so difficult. It is when you are not committed to your goals that choices appear to be hazy.

We are still here to celebrate our wedding anniversary not because we are still in love. There is that, but often love is not enough to wield against the petty conflicts. It is commitment that keeps us together through the darker times, and that reminds us that things have been better, and will get better.

Talk to us at Chrysalis Coaching about achieving your goals. About being committed to what you want. For an appointment, call Jolindy on 082 780 9209. For more info, please “like” our facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/chrysalisnlp