Tag Archives: nlp

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The Beauty of Being Broken

It took me a while to decide on a title for this blog post – and yes, it may sound contradictory, but there is beauty in being broken. The bumps and hurdles on the road of life leave scars, but also leave us with experience and knowledge.

I love the Japanese art of Kintsukuroi. I only discovered this art late in life, but as with all things, I am sure that we come across information and/or learnings as and when we are supposed to.

Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with a lacquer resin sprinkled with powdered gold. We can learn a lot from this art – especially the core belief that something can be more beautiful for having been broken.

So often we are embarrassed by our scars. I know I used to be very embarrassed about a 5cm scar on my right breast (lump removed 20 years ago). I have some scars on my right leg (motorcycle accident 15 years ago) and I have a definite portruding bone where my left shoulder bone didn’t grow back properly. And a few more minor scars and aches and pains – each carrying its own story, and a memory (some good, some bad).

I now embrace my scars. I lovingly trace the visible ones, and remind myself that there is joy in being alive. Each one of my larger scars could have been the end of me – instead each one means a new beginning, with new learnings and new experience. Even my invisible heart scars from hurts inflicted by loved ones once trusted has changed from throbbing, aching scars to reminders of paths that once crossed and ran together for a while, now separated.

Repainting my scars with gold, keeping the good memories, can only do me good. Negative memories lead to negative emotions, and negative emotions cause distress that is completely unnecessary.

As a lifecoach, one of the primary teachings I like to convey to my clients, is that our emotions attract the life we want. If we continuously focus on the negative, all we experience will be negative. The same energy can be used on focussing on the positive. This is no “Pollyanna” approach to life (that would be unrealistic – no-one can “fake” happiness all the time). However, we can definitely choose what we focus on most of the time, and if the negative surfaces, we can choose the coat the negative with gold, retaining the positive learnings, whilst letting go of the negative emotions.

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How committed are you to your goals?

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
— J. K. Rowling in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Today was our wedding anniversary. And, as with every date that celebrates a moment in time, or marks an occasion, it is a time for contemplation. At least for me.

I wondered at the fact that we reached this date against all odds. Obviously on the decision scale, staying together weighed more than splitting up. As with all change, there is a lot of stress involved when two people decide to live together. Two often very diverse lives are merged, sometimes with different values and definitely with different viewpoints and ways of doing things. Yet, because of love, we make it work. And it seems to be working fine, so far. We are both committed to making this marriage work, and that counts for a lot.

Marriage or even relationships in general, is not the only aspect of our lives that requires a level of commitment. Our choice of employment, our choice of residence, our health, our studies – the list is endless. The chance of success in all these areas seems unattainable – unless we are committed. And right there – there is the keyword: commitment.

The word commit comes from the Latin word committere, which means to connect, entrust. When we stand behind our words, we demonstrate commitment. Commitment exists when our actions meet the expectation of our words – when there’s a congruency between intent, words and action.

This commitment to one’s goals is most definitely the most important rule for success. Without it, we fall prey to procrastination, bad habits, laziness, rationalisation and a host of goal-defeating problems. Commitment is a strong word – much stronger than “agreement.” If I agree to meet you for dinner, I have three options: keeping my agreement, cancelling, or changing it. If I commit myself to meeting you, I will meet you no matter what.

Why is commitment to our goals so difficult? We have even labelled this difficulty: commitment-phobia. It is an easy term to bandy about, especially when it comes to relationships. Fear of commitment in much popular literature refers to avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage but the problem is often much more pervasive, affecting school, work, and home life as well.

Commitment

Commitment fear/phobia is not only about balking at the idea of being in a steady, exclusive relationship. It is about not buying that house because of “what if”, or not embarking on a career or even a study direction. It is about not making good health choices, or not sticking to them.

When you are committed to your goals, attaining them is easier. Your choices are clearer. If your goal is to be the top salesperson in the company where you work, your actions will be congruent with this goal. You will make more calls, more appointments, and close more deals. You will put in more hours, because achieving this goal will mean more success and yes, more income, for you. Making those extra calls won’t be easy, but if your goal is clear, you will do it. If your goal is to shed extra weight, the choice between grated carrot and a chocolate cake won’t be so difficult. It is when you are not committed to your goals that choices appear to be hazy.

We are still here to celebrate our wedding anniversary not because we are still in love. There is that, but often love is not enough to wield against the petty conflicts. It is commitment that keeps us together through the darker times, and that reminds us that things have been better, and will get better.

Talk to us at Chrysalis Coaching about achieving your goals. About being committed to what you want. For an appointment, call Jolindy on 082 780 9209. For more info, please “like” our facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/chrysalisnlp

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Mornings happen to other people… Do they?

I used to be a very reluctant morning person. Come time for the sun to peek over the horizon, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and raring to go, my brain would do what it was supposed to do the previous night – shut down and go into sleep mode.

I would try various tactics – self-talking by telling myself everything I had to do, and that I had to get up to set a good example to the staff (in Botswana I used to work for a media moghul called Mr Jones who was at the office at the crack of dawn, and left late at night after the last staff had gone home, and he was 70!) I would threaten myself, promise rewards to myself, motivate myself with various wake-up audios – all to no avail.

Then I discovered NLP, and most importantly, limiting beliefs. Here is one really good definition about what beliefs are: Beliefs are convictions or acceptances that certain things are true or real. They are generalisations about the world. They are our on/off switches about whether we can do anything. They are conscious enough to be valuable. NLP says that the beliefs that we hold give us both strength and empowerment. So, it becomes important to have the belief that can enhance your ability rather than restricting it.

I took my limiting belief (I am not a morning person) to an NLP session while I was still studying some of the techniques, and I was amazed at how quickly this belief changed. In a single session, using NLP techniques, the root cause of my limiting belief was determined, and it was replaced by a new empowering belief.
I am now not only a morning person, but I am an all day person. I can function at optimal level when required, and I can rest when I feel like it, and when it is necessary.
 
As an NLP Master Practitioner, I can help you make the same changes to your world. What limiting beliefs are holding you back from realising your full potential? Let’s challenge these beliefs, and let’s replace them with beliefs that serve you.
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Emotions… Are you the puppet? Or the puppet-master?

Our emotions allow us to have a giddy rollercoaster ride of sensations – from happiness to sadness, from elation to anger. Often referred to as the barometer of the soul, emotions are the filters through which we experience our world.

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Different people define emotions in different ways. Some make a distinction between emotions and feelings saying that a feeling is the response part of the emotion and that an emotion includes the situation or experience, the interpretation, the perception, and the response or feeling related to the experience of a particular situation.

“Emotions are human beings’ warning systems as to what is really going on around them.  Emotions are our most reliable indicators of how things are going on in our lives.  Emotions help keep us on the right track by making sure that we are led by more than the mental/ intellectual faculties of thought, perception, reason, memory.” – Dr. Maurice Elias

“Emotions operate on many levels.  They have a physical aspect as well as a psychological aspect.  Emotions bridge thought, feeling, and action – they operate in every part of a person, they affect many aspects of a person, and the person affects many aspects of the emotions.” – John D. (Jack) Mayer

When we allow our emotions to control our actions, then we become puppets. We can “surf the wave”, ride out emotions (especially negative emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt, shame) and take control of our reaction to these. So often we find that people place blame for actions outside of themselves: “She ‘made’ me angry, so I lost control.” Lost control of what? How specifically did she “make” you angry?

We can take control of our emotions. We can experience the emotions fully, and if we don’t like the result we see, especially with negative emotions, we can help you find the root case with Timeline Therapy, and release your negative emotions.

Emotions can control your thinking, behaviour and actions.  Emotions that are not felt and released but buried within can cause serious illness, including cancer, arthritis, and many types of chronic illnesses.  Negative emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, hurt, guilt, shame and depression cause chemical reactions in your body that are very different from the chemicals released when you feel positive emotions such as happy, content, loved, accepted.

Your emotions should serve you – you should not be a servant of your emotions. Become the puppet-master in your world. Make a commitment today to yourself to become emotionally healthy. It takes a lot of wisdom to realise that nobody can make you do anything, nobody can change you. And neither can you make anybody else do anything, or even change them. Avoid those situations that you know will create conflict and upsets.  You cannot change others, you can only change yourself.