Tag Archives: pregnancy

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Miracle required

Not a good day at all today. I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions – from anger to denial and whatever other stages there are in between. Now I just feel helpless. Usually when faced with a problem, I act as soon as possible. There is always, ALWAYS, a solution, and as a problem-solver, I will find it. For this, there is no solution.

I’ve decided to speak out about this, because I’m hoping that what happened to me can be prevented with someone else, with foreknowledge. And for me, writing about something helps me deal with it. It is my personal therapy.

After 3 miscarriages this year, my gynaecologist decided to do a procedure called a hysteroscopy, which he assured me is pretty standard. It is, as far as I understand, a little camera that internally explores one’s reproductive organs. I was a bit hesitant, because I dread hospitals, but hey – all for the sake of getting pregnant and having children.

So today I decide to call the doctor for feedback, pretty confident that all worked out well, because surely I would have heard by now if there was anything, you know, wrong. That is when I found out that everything is wrong. I have a condition called a unicornuate uterus. Apparently this is a very rare condition, and I have it.

According to this article, having a unicornuate uterus unfortunately brings a significant risk of both pregnancy loss and preterm labor, as well as ectopic pregnancy. Estimates vary by specific study, but one literature review found pregnancy outcomes in women with unicornuate uteri to be miscarriage in 37%, preterm birth in 16%, and term birth in only 45%.

I ask myself – what can I do about this? Really nothing. There is absolutely nothing that I can do. I can’t change my lifestyle, take medication or go for another operation.

But what I could have done, is that I could have explored further for reasons as to why I had my first miscarriage. I did every blood test on planet earth, and there was no reason at all according to the Pathcare results. I should have insisted on this hysteroscopy – and I would have known that my pregnancies would all have been at risk. I could have taken more precautions, been monitored more closely and maybe, just maybe, not have had 3 miscarriages this year.

If you have a miscarriage, just be aware that this could be one of the reasons. I am almost 40 years old, and not only is my age a factor in my lack of children, but now this as well.

Today this sounded like the end of the road to me, but knowledge is power. I am a fighter, and I don’t easily give up. This is just one more obstacle to overcome on the road to becoming a mom.

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It’s a miracle (really!)

Most of you know about our journey to become parents. So far we’ve had an interesting and very bumpy ride, and certainly gained a lot of life-experience.

After my miscarriage in January, my gynecologist told me devastating news. I had fibroids in my womb. Initially I didn’t quite understand why this is bad news. Lots of women post-35 have fibroids, and either live with them or have them successfully removed. But no, my fibroids had to be complicated.

I went for a routine gynecologist visit early 2013, oblivious of anything that could be wrong. Yes, we were still trying to start a family and things were taking a bit longer than we expected, so we thought it a good idea just to get our “plumbing” checked out. After all sorts of probes and tests and scans, it turned out all was well and we should just be patient.

As with most wannabe-parents with no results showing, we learned the hard way that babies won’t be rushed. And towards the end of 2013, with still no result, and after years of trying, we sort of made peace that maybe we were not meant to be parents. And then, wham! we were pregnant. Unfortunately after 6 weeks, I had a miscarriage, but now we knew – there really was nothing wrong, and we could!

And then…. the fibroids. Nobody understood how these aggressively growing fibroids were not picked up at my routine 2013 check. And now, at my January check-up, we saw that because of their location, they had to be closely monitored and negatively influenced the possibility of pregnancy. Then on my second check in February, these fibroids were even bigger. Big nasty growths of smooth muscle and fibrous tissue, and one a cervical fibroid, the other one a common intramural fibroid. The cervical one was the problem, as it could cause all sorts of problems.

My gynecologist explained to me that we may have to operate. There were two procedures that he recommended, a Laparoscopy and a Myomectomy. Unfortunately the fibroids were already too large for a laparoscopy. However, I baulked at a myomectomy. All sorts of things could go wrong, my weight is an issue, and this is invasive surgery and bleeding which could lead to a forced hysterectomy – which meant no babies at all, ever. I asked my gynecologist for more time so I could think about my options and lose a bit more weight.

I did all the research I could – I am sure that I am one of the most informed non-medical people on the planet about fibroids, which really, according to me, is just another type of tumor. I found loads of information about the benefits of cayenne pepper and turmeric, specifically related to tumors. As I already started my morning with a healthy green juice with added protein powder, I added three teaspoons of each to my juice, and took cayenne pepper tablets and turmeric tablets during the day. I also cut out all caffeine, alcohol, carbs – anything that could possibly be “unhealthy”. I followed this self-imposed regime for about two months.

Yesterday I went back for my check-up, waiting with bated breath for the results. I could see that my gynecologist was doing his utmost to put me at ease, but to me, everything depended on the result he told me. Initially, doing the abdominal scan, he couldn’t believe his eyes. We only found the one fibroid – and it had shrank! The other one is completely gone. He did the internal scan as well, and the sonar screen showed my uterus wall clean, beautiful and fibroid-free.

For us of course, this means “All Systems Go!”. And for all of you in the same boat – don’t ever give up – there is always a solution. Of course your gynecologist’s advice is always the best, and especially mine is as committed to our journey as we are, always willing to help with advice and support where he can.

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Silent loss

There are no words adequate enough to describe the joy on discovering that you are pregnant – especially after years of unsuccessfully doing your best to conceive, with the clock mercilessly clicking non-stop.

I found out that I was pregnant, five weeks, on the last day of 2013. I couldn’t believe the positive pregnancy test, and rushed back to buy more from the pharmacy. I’ve been feeling “sick” for a couple of weeks, exhausted, with all sorts of symptoms that I couldn’t logically explain. The only diagnosis that made any sense, yet made no sense at all, was that I had to be pregnant.

Of course, upon confirming with a blood test at the hospital, I had to tell the entire world at once. I was so happy that renting a megaphone and driving through the main road of town seemed like a good idea. I know women fall pregnant every day, but to me this was just such a wonderful momentous occasion that I wanted to tell the world.

Less than 10 days later, the happiest period of my life, I found out that not only had I suffered something called a “missed miscarriage”, I also had large tumors in my womb.

I knew there was something wrong when my HCG levels weren’t rising like it should. My doctor prescribed progesterone, and I did everything I was supposed to. Took it easy, stayed in bed as often as I could, changed my diet, took the necessary vitamins.

Yet, it all went badly wrong. And there is no satisfactory answer as to why. I don’t want to hear about a large amount of “early pregnancies” never making it beyond the first trimester. I’m not interested in hearing that everything happens for a reason. I am in pain, with a sadness to intense that it hurts to breathe.

I know most women hide their pregnancies in those first months, terrified that something is going to go wrong. They wait before making any announcements, in case… I didn’t believe in an “in case”. I never even thought that anything could go wrong.

Although having a miscarriage is one of the most intimate losses a woman can experience, this is almost a taboo topic. There is no accepted grief period, there are no sympathy cards, there is no funeral, no real closure. I am told: “It happens all the time”, as if this line is supposed to somehow make me feel better, put my loss into some kind of perspective.

Suffering a miscarriage is not just about losing a child, it is about losing all the dreams you created for that child. The dreams you created for your life as a mother. It is about the sun disappearing from your world, and everything turning into a dark colourless void. A world where you no longer wake up in the morning with your hands protectively on your tummy. A world where you have to hide your grief because the earth hasn’t stopped turning for everybody else, and hey, life goes on.

With an apparent one in seven pregnancies ending in an miscarriage, there must be a lot of people out there in mourning. It is unacceptable that our miscarriages should be swept under the rug, and we are expected to just get over it. As another mom-who-was-not-to-be said: “Because the only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing.”